My heart

Apparently, I'm going to have a baby next week.  That's when my due date is, anyway.  One of my biggest anxieties, is losing my relationship with Jacob.  It's been tested to its very limits in the last few months, as he's fought against the changes going on with me: my lack of energy and desire (and ability) to play with him, not being able to bounce on me, my pain levels and simply not being able to sit on my lap; and the changes in his life: finishing day nursery, starting school, changes in the house to accommodate a baby.

He's had tantrums of the most epic size, complete with screaming, hitting, kicking, stamping, and shouting, the likes of which we never imagined he could produce.  We're still working our way through these, trying to figure out what to do to help him with his feelings, and how to get him to understand that he cannot attack people when something isn't going his way.

All of that aside, he is so excited about his baby coming along, he is so filled with love for us, and wants cuddles, hugs, kisses and to touch our skin all the time.  He often asks me to 'get the baby out' - which means to pull up my top so he can talk to the baby and kiss my bump.

I love him so much, and I'm so scared that the baby is going to come between us.  Everyone says that doesn't happen though, that your love doubles, rather than having to split it between two.  But just in case, I'm trying hard to appreciate every second of these last two weeks, to spend time cuddling and reading stories and just being the two of us.

My cheeky monkey, my boyface, my heart.

What warms your soul?

I guess that technically I'm stealing a post here, but I'm all full of the warm fuzzies after watching a video on Georgia from Gregarious Peach's mum Toni Powell's blog. Go and watch the video - it's gorgeous.

In no particular order, the things currently warming my soul are:

Hearing J-cub wake in the morning. He seems to go from fast asleep to wide awake in seconds - one minute there's silence, and the next he's counting (something) or just gabbling away to himself. When I go to him, he's turned his light on, and excitedly points out his light, his lightswitch, his big boy bed, and the polka dots on his pillow. Then asks for cuddles.

Those mornings when he doesn't wake, and I need to wake him to leave the house. I go in and gently tell him its time to wake up. Without opening his eyes, he shakes his head. I tell him again he needs to wake up, and he starts his slow, luxurious stretches, still without opening his eyes. I giggle, and his mouth starts to try not to smile. He puts his bunny over his eyes and whispers "No Mummy, Jacob sleep". I laugh and pretend to leave. He suddenly sits bolt upright and shouts "Peepo Mummy!" and our day is begun.

Cuddles. I'm a super-needy person, and can't imagine life without a hundred cuddles a day. J-cub is going through a big old cuddly phase, and every few minutes he shouts "Mummy! Tuddle tiss!" and flings himself onto me, wrapping his arms tight around my neck for a few precious seconds, before pulling back and planting a great big smacker on my lips.

Love. Along with "Sorry", J-cub has recently learnt to say "Thank you" and "Love you". They sound exactly the same - something like "Buppoo". I hand him something, he says "Buppoo Mummy!". I say "I love you Jacob", he says "Buppoo Mummy".

Being reunited. As I drive towards nursery to pick J-cub up after work, my heart fills with excitement at seeing him again. When I walk through the gate, I peep through the trellis into the garden to see if he's playing outside. For a few special moments, I can see him playing in an environment totally alien to me - I never see him being strong and independent and holding his own with other (bigger) children. Then he sees me, his face lights up, he shouts "Mmmmmummy!" with so much delight in his voice, and runs as fast as he can into the building so he can be at the door when I come in. I go in, and he comes at me with his arms held up, shouting my name over and over. I swoop him up for cuddles and he holds me so tight. I ask him if he's had a nice day, he gives an enthusiastic "Yes!" and goes off into a stream of Jacob-talk about what he's done.

That all seems a little baby-centric. But really, whilst I still take great pleasure from other things in life, it's all nothing compared to being a parent. Nothing warms my soul like thinking about him, or being with him. He drives me up the wall a lot of the time, but life just wouldn't be the same without him. Jamie and I turn to each other several times a day, and say, with as much incredulity each and every time ... "We have a son".

What warms your soul?