Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Separation Anxiety

The biggest thing I had trouble adjusting to after J-cub was born, was never being alone. I've always valued 'me time', not that I ever did anything particularly exciting on my own, but I enjoy peace and quiet, and reading, and having time to think and freedom to do whatever I want to do. It was a massive culture shock, having a completely dependent being attached to me 24/7. I don't think I'd really thought about it at all before he arrived, but I resented him for it, and was desperate to get away, at times.

All that has changed now, and though I'm still suffering with my postnatal depression, I don't have any negative feelings towards J-cub, and only get that desperate feeling when I'm away from him, and want to get back as quickly as possible.

With all that in mind, today was horrible. He woke briefly at 6.10am, but I settled him back to sleep and came downstairs to get ready for work as I had no chance of falling back asleep at that time. I pottered around, eating my breakfast, showering, dressing, making my lunch and prettifying myself. J-cub didn't stir. On Wednesday's, Jamie doesn't work and stays home with him. At 8am, I sneaked into the bedroom, told Jamie the boy was still asleep and I was leaving, and I left. With no cuddles, no playing, no time at all with my baby.

I missed him horribly, all day. It was far worse than all the other days when I get an hour or more with him in the morning, and a half hour drive to nursery with him chatting away in the back of the car. Jamie texted me to say that they'd both woken at 9am (9! Why can't he do that on days when I'm at home?!) and were having a lovely day. And I missed him all the more.

I rushed through the last part of my working day and got home just after 6.30pm. We played some music, had some cuddles, J-cub demonstrated his new flair for the dramatic by doing huge, face-cracking yawns then flinging his hand across his face and giggling with his eyes still closed. He suddenly discovered his tongue and spent 5 minutes poking it at us and blowing bubbles. I took him to bed at 7 and he fell straight asleep.

Half an hour with my baby in the last 24 hours. I feel lost.

I can't wait til tomorrow, and Friday and Saturday and Sunday. Although after a couple of hours of mania tomorrow morning, I'll probably be begging him to go down for his nap.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

An oldie for today's Look Up photo, I think I might even have posted it on here before, but it's lovely and appropriate and has given me a nice half hour looking through the photos, which eases the pain of missing him a bit.

Now I just have to try and stop longing to go and get him up again.


isadori said...

Aw this is a lovely post :-) My parents tell me they used to just wake me up if they wanted to play with me - personally I think they're insane!!

Jen said...

I can last about 4 or 5 hours,then I am clawing my way back home, sigh. I feel relieved then when I am back:) It's harder when they are younger I think, especially when they can't talk. Enjoy the weekend:) Jen.

skippedydoodah said...

Beth, you're such a lovely mother - it shows in every post and makes me feel all gooey, so I can just imagine how much love and adoration J-cub gets in person.

I always imagine I want some space and time apart, then spend that time thinking about Moomin!